I was recently talking to a group of mother's about how difficult it has become to raise even one child these days and everyone agreed. Parenting was never an easy thing to do even earlier but it has definitely become more and more difficult these days. When a few decades back people raised 9 or 10 kids or even more, today I know many couples for whom taking this plunge is a decision which they keep on deffering. There are many parents who are happy with a single child as the financial, physical and emotional pressure of raising one kid is all they can handle. Whenever I talk to my grandmother about her parenting experiences, she never sounds like an exhausted and worried mother who was under a constant pressure to be a good parent. In fact she recalls it as a happy, enjoyable time of her life when things were simpler and less worrisome than what they are today. As a matter of fact, when I keep on feeling guilty about not giving enough time to my child due to my work pressures or not doing enough about something or the other related to my kid, she seems to be happy and contented about how well she has raised her 8 kids.
Looking at her and even looking at how my mother raised me and my sister, I feel back then there was little fear of failing as a parent and by not feeling guilty about doing everything perfect, things were made simpler. Kids were raised to become responsible, independant, sociable, compassionate and successful individuals and parenting was a relaxed affair based on instincts. There was very little planning that went into it. There was no need to create a controlled environment where kids were expected to learn everything so early and accomplish too. There was no race to win and one could take time to achieve something. There was more fun and free time to enjoy one's childhood and then enter another stage of life when performance mattered. This resulted in less pressure for everyone involved and thus the happiness.
I can't say about other's and people may call me a freak, but right after my daughter was born, I became a worried and anxious mother who was constantly thinking about her feeding, clothing, care and vaccination and even today after 8 long years I am always worried about her safety, health, education, whom she is befriending etc etc.. Since her birth, I and my husband have left no stone unturned in trying to give her a good upbringing and our pursuit for perfection continues till date but we still don't know if we are faring well in comparison to others or are playing our role correctly.
I have lost count of how much I have fretted on almost every small thing related to my daughter. Beginning Is my child being fed well by my breast feed or should I also give formulae milk?...to why is her potty green today?...and why hasn't she peed for more than 2 hours?..when will she start teething?..have I weaned her well enough?....when will she walk and talk?..which preschool?..why is she sick almost every month?.... What activities?...how many rhymes she should know by the age of 3.... and why can't she tell the colour of her dress and how to raise her immunity..and what career she would like to pursue and the list goes on and on and there seems to be no end to this. I know many parent's who do the same. The worry and anxiety is always there, only the reason for it changes as the child grows.
Now if I again go back to my grandmother's time, she fondly recalls that during her first pregnancy, she was just 17 years old and mostly unwell. They lived in a joint family and while she rested most of the time, other women in the family looked after her and the household. She says that women at that time were mostly homemakers and the societal set up was such that while men worried about earning a living, women were responsible for taking care of the household and kids. The joint family set up and presence of experienced moms ensured that first time mother's were given enough support and keeping your kids entertained, worrying about their security 24/7, and making them good at everything was not a big concern. It was not that they did nothing as parents and they too had tough times when kids fell sick or had behavioral issues or acquired bad habits but Kids had their siblings and cousins to play with and learn from and even with 8 kids my grandmother's journey was not as tough. Technology or fashion had almost no role to play in their lives, as they didn't even have a fan during that time and simple living was what everyone believed in. Things like getting an education for all kids, making a career etc was not a question of life or death as it is today. All they worried was about feeding, clothing and protecting their kids and while girls were mostly raised to get married in good families and become good homemakers, boys were expected to stand on their feet either by getting an education or joining a family business. In short even though life was simple, they raised individuals who respected and loved them, valued relationships, were empathetic, were full of good values and after a point of time were able enough to raise their own kids and run a household. There was a sense of contentment in what they had and finding happiness in small and simple things of life was an art which they knew well.
So, the question is that what has changed in last 40 years or so that for our generation parenting has become a more challenging task than what it was for the earlier ones?...
As a matter of fact the world has changed a lot since then. If we look at our own country we have not only developed a lot technologically and in many other ways but also our demographics, societal set ups, family set ups and expectations from life have changed. We are no more a complacent and satisfied lot of people who were just happy with simple living and the way we live and think has changed. Many progressive things have happened and while women are more empowered and independent to go out and earn, many men have started understanding their role in home management and raising kids. We don't just live for fulfilling our needs now and desires have become important. Right from a kid who has just gained a little knowledge of this world to a 70 year old man or woman, every individual is trying to assert his or her being and wants to be the best and acquire the best in everything. When you see a 4 year old operating a smartphone with finesse or your grandmother on Facebook, you can well understand what I am saying.
We have more nuclear families and less family support. Couples with a single or double earning these days together shoulder the responsibility of earning and growing financially, managing a household, raising kids and even try to be at par with their peer group. There is an increased desire to succeed and the competition is too much. As a result the stress levels have increased manifold and we all have more on our plate than we can handle. As a result, because we know that our kids will face an even tougher situation than us we try to prepare them for that and thus the pressure.
There are a plethora of external factors which have also changed. We have come a long way in growing technically and healthcare has improved, but issues like kids safety, their access to so much imformation and its harmful effects, and health problems due to increasing pollution and new viruses popping up every year have not made our life simpler in any way. As parent's we are still worried. Another very important thing that has changed is the difficulty and competition associated with getting a decent higher education and then a job and I know many parents who start preparing their kids for that very early. Its not a bad thing to plan ones child's future but the pressure it puts on a kid and a parent is immense.
So the million dollar question is what to do?...probably the first thing to do is to relax a bit. I sometimes wish I had a genie who could share my workload or even few gadgets from doraemon would do, but that's perhaps too much wishful thinking...
There can be a lot of things which have changed for good or bad in recent years but one thing that hasn't change and will never change is a parent's love for his or her child and the will to give him or her a good upbringing. I recently met a gentleman who is 70 years old and a parent to 5 kids. He has denounced worldly pleasures and is living the life of a saint. He told me these 6 things which I and every parent can actually practice to make our parenting journey easy.
1. Tell yourself that you are a good parent: Being a parent doesn't mean that all of a sudden you become a perfectionist who does everything correct. It's OK to commit mistakes and fail sometimes. Its OK to detach and take your me time and do something for your rest and relaxation too. Its important to pat your back sometimes and tell yourself that in spite of all other pressures you have to handle, you try to be a good parent. Believe in your instincts and be happy that what you do for your child is the best.
2. Change the way you treat your kids: when your kid is no more an infant, and can handle a few things on his own start trusting your kid with what he or she can do. Don't treat them like vulnerable, dependant beings who can't handle a single thing and assign a few things for them to do. This will reduce your work and let them make a few decisions and become independent. It will also help in building a lot of confidence in them which can later help them face any challenging situation in their life.
3. Allow you kids to make mistakes and learn from them: It is important that we allow our children to make mistakes and learn from them. An overprotective attitude from us can save them at that time, but we end up creating an environment for them where we micromanage them and they look for our support in every small thing till a very later age. Our role should be of a facilitator or mentor who teaches them the good or bad of life but is not controlling their life. It is easier said than done because it is difficult to see your child falling or failing and not matching up to the learning curve but giving them a little time will benefit in the long run. We need to remember that our child has to fall and learn getting up on his own as we won't be there to help always.
4. Setting realistic expectations: No one is perfect in this world and we all have our set of strengths and shortcomings. This applies to our kids too and if we start setting unrealistic expectations from them we are bound to get disappointed. In the process we can also create unnecessary pressure for our child. It is important that they succeed in life but it should not come at the cost of their happiness. Being in competition with others and doing what they do even when not needed should not be our style. You know your child and his or her strengths and weaknesses better than anyone else so act accordingly and don't worry about what others have to say or how they judge you.
5. There is something called destiny: Though I am not a firm believer or non believer in destiny I have always felt that it definitely has something to do with our lives. The role of hard work and perseverance can't be denied but what has to happen usually happens even if we want or don't want it to. The gentleman I was talking about told me how when all his life he wanted his elder son to become a Doctor, he became a businessman and when he thought that his daughter would just marry, she became a doctor. He told me how when we parents today are ready to spend a fortune on our kids education there are kids with an average background who achieve a lot. Of course we can't just sit and let things happen, but leaving a bit to chance and destiny is something that can help us worry less.
6. Make these years memorable: Time flies and kids grow faster than we think or want them too. While raising them well, tell them how much you love them...play...cry..laugh...share.. dance...sing...cuddle....shop...travel...dance.....and do whatever you can to create unforgettable memories so that when you kids are grown ups, you can close your eyes and recall those moments with a smile. Even our kids should be able remember their childhood with a smile.
In the end I know there is so much we can say about parenting and how to do it and how not to do it, but there is no perfect way to parent a child. Even after writing this article I know its difficult to stop fretting and not being an anxious mother in time's like we have today but at least I will try. Probably what every parent does for his or her kid is trying the best. Nothing can sum up the ups and downs of this wonderful journey but all we can do is to make the most of it and create happy memories for a lifetime.
